The Bachelor, Episode 4: Iraqi in the desert, roller disaster and a tan Julia Roberts


Drama queens were everywhere last night on The Bachelor.  With 13 women left, you could feel the desperation in the air as each lady was secretly pinning all their future hopes and dreams of having a toned, blonde husband on whether they got a one on one date.   Let’s go in order here.

Finally, we get to see a little more of Selma.  From what we’ve seen so far, she’s an exotic looking, stunning woman.  I’d say she’s in the top 3 lookswise of all the women.  But only with full make-up on.  Do you agree? She’s ready to have a million babies. She’s got cute dimples.  She’s very striking with her dark long hair and hazelish eyes.  Could she be Princess Jasmine?  I did want to kill her a little bit, however, when she felt the need to tell Sean (and the world) that she’s only 110 pounds.  Ok, we get it.  You’ve got big boobs but you’re really skinny and beautiful and you’ve got that Arabic exotic thing going.  You’re perfect.  Congrats.  The Husband commented that each of her boobs must weigh 50 pounds.

Selma seems to me like a girly girl.  She thinks she’s going off on a magic carpet ride known as a private jet and orange jeep to the desert.  That desert is Joshua Tree National Park and we’re already hearing complaints from Selma that she does not do well in heat and she’s more of a “6 inch heels kind of girl.”  Ugh.  Do we really see someone like that for Sean?  Also, I find it interesting that the first two dates required the ladies to dress in athletic gear.  Selma chooses to put her hair in the poof pony, which I found distracting.  But not more distracting than her two big girlie twin “friends” who were not nearly as conservative or traditional as Selma is.  that said, I was SHOCKED at her rock climbing ability.  Has she done this before?  She was alarmingly spider like and was making Sean struggle to keep up and look manly as his new Iraqi Princess schooled him.  I was kind of hoping when they got to the top of the mountain, that song from the annoying Citi banking commercial would come on with an African sounding woman belting out, “Somebody left the gate ooooopen.”  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The whole trailer park nighttime snuggle fest was an interesting concept, but Selma was probably really pissed when she saw how her date compared to Leslie’s.  They set up that entire romantic outdoor camping feel to design the perfect kiss, only that wasn’t happening.  Oh well.

For those of you who doubt that Selma is a practicing Muslim and therefore might be able to make things work with Sean OR that she might be Christian – I don’t think so.  The fact that she’s respecting her mother’s wishes means she’s still observing a traditional, cultural way of life.  It may be fun for now (Ooooh, Sean’s hormones must be bouncing as much as Selma’s boobs) but I hope it’s not one of those things where they don’t kiss until the proposal and then realize a week later that their sexual chemistry is off.  God and Allah forbid!  This Forbidden Fruit thing is actually a very clever strategy by Selma, even if she doesn’t mean for it to be.  She is our first Muslim woman to be a real contender and refrain from the traditional Bachelor activities.  Which leads me to my next question – did she not know what this show is about?  It’s fantasy suites and hot tubs and making out with multiple women.  What does her mother have to say about that?  But hey, it’s a wonderful experiment and I’m supportive of her giving it a try.  I also just realized that I’ve talked a LOT this post about Selma’s boobs. They truly are fascinating and I’m wondering whether they should get their own rose (or two?) at the next ceremony?  Can he kiss her boobs if he can’t kiss her?  Enough, Stacey.  Enough.

Moving on to the group date, I think Amanda’s teeth deserve some mention.  I have been frightened by Amanda’s extra large grin since day one.  Mostly because I think she uses it as a mask to hide what she truly thinks.  When she coats her lips in maroon lipstick and lets out a smile, she actually looks like a vampire.  That said, I laughed when she tried to intimidate her co-roller derbiers by telling them she actually belonged to a roller derby club.  That was pretty brilliant.   I felt bad for Robyn who is probably quite athletic but all I can think about when I see her is her backflip fall out of the limo the night she met Sean.  Roller derby doesn’t seem to be her thing either.  I think if this was a planned roller skating party and Sean was able to do a couples skate with the “winner” of some non roller derby activity – that could have been fine.  But absent that strategy, this was probably the MOST POORLY PLANNED AND EXECUTED GROUP DATE in the history of the show.  Worse than the stupid soap opera dates.  Worse than the dress up model shoot dates.  I say this, because it was not only dangerous (as evidenced by Amanda going to the hospital for a legitimate jaw injury) but it was cruel.  Was anyone else uncomfortable watching Sarah fall over and over in the rink?  It was like watching a puppy getting kicked.  I LOVE Sarah.  I feel almost protective of her.  It makes me angry that she had to endure even the smallest amount of embarrassment for being placed in such a stupid activity like roller derby.

I’m not sure if the producers had the intention to humiliate Sarah, but that was the result.  And not even AshLee’s pep talk or Sarah’s resolve to get back out there makes this date ok.  Grrrr, I’m getting angry just thinking about it.  Last thought on this: Yes, Sarah has said she wants to be treated like everyone else, but then the producers should have asked her in advance if she felt comfortable, or they could have created a date that would not put her a questionable position. Or how the second that they saw everyone falling and getting hurt – they immediately went to a Plan B date.  These girls did not seem to be that coordinated to begin with.

So Sean miraculously tells the girls that they no longer need to roller derby; it’s now a free skate complete with cheesy 80s music.  That was definitely not his idea.  The producers probably smelled a lawsuit coming on.  So then it’s night time and everyone gets dolled up and hangs with Sean on top of a skyscraper.  It’s at this point when Tierra just loses it.  I don’t really know what triggered her little meltdown, but I do know she had absolutely ZERO intention of leaving the show. Pre-Tierrable meltdown, Amanda shows up, refreshed from her time at the hospital and ready to get back into the ring.  She tries to milk her injury, but the best Sean will do is kiss her jaw.  At this point, we know she’s going home.  He hasn’t fallen for her damsel in distress act (and yet he falls for Tierra’s tirade moments later!).

I don’t really understand the Robyn / Tierra argument nor how red headed Jackie became involved.  All I know is Robyn referred to AshLee and Sarah to explain what happened with Amanda and this greatly offended Tierra because she wasn’t included even though she was on the same team as AshLee and Sarah.  This is the most complicated reason to get angry I have ever heard in my life.  Regardless, Tierra storms off on a mission to find Sean and leave the show.  We know, of course, that Sean is off somewhere making out with Lindsay and we are kind of hoping Tierra walks in on them.  Tierra may have a future in acting because her whole, “Why should I be tortured every day” complete with crying and followed by “I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore” is Oscar worthy.   Perhaps the highlight of the entire show is when Tierra does find Sean – but only as he is in his bathing suit and about to go for a romantic dip somewhere with a red bikinied Lindsay.  BUSTED.

Sean and Tierra go off to some dark corner when he pumps up enough of his testosterone to convince Tierra that SHE WANTS HIM.  I felt really bad for Lindsay as she basically had to go off in her bikini back to the girls while this conversation went on.  But the worst part was that Sean had to go back to EVERYONE to grab the group date rose and then bring it to Tierra.  If I was Sarah or Amanda, I would have quit the show right then.  This may have been Sean’s biggest mistake to date. What does he see in Tierra?  Does he like her squirrel like qualities?  Her second place sized boobs compared to Selma, the dainty scar on her forehead that bulges when she gets mad or the way she melts when he looks at her? I don’t get it.

We’re finally ready for our Pretty Woman date but first let’s discuss Leslie the Poker Dealer.  The fact that she cried BEFORE the date and BEFORE receiving the date card because she’s worried about getting a chance with Sean, makes me think that this may not be the right girl for Sean.  Please don’t cry because you think you’re in love with someone you haven’t been on a first date with yet.  It’s not possible.  It’s all emotion.  Did any of you think Sean knew he was sending her home before the date and that’s why he gave her the diamond earrings?   I mentioned in my post last night why I hate the Pretty Woman date and thinking about it again, let me clarify the following: If The Husband wants to take me to Rodeo Drive and buy me a $25,000 dress, diamond earrings, $1000 shoes, a glittering purse and rent me a 125 carat diamond necklace from Neil Lane, I wouldn’t object (assuming a show was paying for it since otherwise we’d be broke).  But that’s because it wouldn’t be our first date.  If he did take me shopping on our first date and had to sit in a store while I put on designer clothes, he’d be bored to tears.  He’d be on his iPhone the whole time updating his Twitter feed or playing Temple Run 2.  He has zero interest in fashion (which is why I love him).  Shopping in fantasy land is no way to get to know a person.  One interesting fact about their Pretty Woman date that Chris Harrison points out in his blog: Sean and Leslie initially pulled up to the Regency Beverly Wilshire Hotel –  the same hotel as in the movie.  She really did seem nervous with all of the attention, but I liked that she called herself “just a tan Julia Roberts.”

I really hope that on the next Bachelorette series, there is a date similar to this where the Bachelorette takes one of the guys shopping and lets him pick out any suit he wants in some fancy store.  Then it can truly be shown how shallow and stupid this date is.

The whole dinner in that mall or museum place looked nice, but I knew Sean wasn’t interested. The look on his face was akin to terror as he realized he needed to send Leslie home.  When he picked up the rose to do the deed, you can tell Leslie had no clue she was going home.  I wish there was a slow-motion camera that captured Leslie going from big grin to WTF? when Sean basically said “I’m just not that into you.”  Even as he’s walking her out, Leslie is stunned and asks, “You really didn’t see any romance?” No, Leslie.  None.  Because shopping on Rodeo drive isn’t the real world and even a black tie dinner in a darkened shopping mall and a Ben Taylor live performance that you’ll never get to see couldn’t have done the trick.  Don’t worry though, you’ve got DIAMOND EARRINGS.

I really liked a lot of the girls’ dresses at the rose ceremony party.  Dez, who we didn’t see anything from this week, had a gorgeous dark pink and black flattering dress.  Jackie’s silver and gold striped dress was very unique and pretty.  Sarah’s navy blue frock was not her best, but her side swept fish tailed braid was adorable.  I got the feeling from Sean’s time with AshLee, that she’s not going to make it much further.  He admires and respects her, but I can’t say he’s in love with her.

I was very uncomfortable watching Robyn try to get a kiss out of Sean.  Even more uncomfortable with her, “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” flirtation attempt.  She basically forced Sean to make out with her.  Was anyone else squirmy?  Plus she was cheering like her favorite football team just scored a touchdown after the kiss, which just made me feel bad for her.

I loved how Tierra thought she was being the bigger person by pulling Robyn and Jackie away to apologize but then telling Robyn that she “basically attacked (her)”  and to Jackie that Tierra has “learned to accept (Jackie) for (Jackie)” which is really a nicer of saying, “You’re kind of a bitch, but what can you do?”  Robyn tries to call out Tierra and say that she’s one way around the girls and another with Sean, but it does no good.  We’re left feeling that Tierra is pretty manipulative in this scene.  Sean has enough brains to realize that Tierra is his most high maintenance girl, but not enough to see past her batting her eye lashes and plunging cleavage.

Then there’s Catherine.  I LIKE Catherine.  We know absolutely nothing about her except she’s also exotic looking and not Caucasian (she’s half Italian / half Filipino).  She could be our dark horse as she came out of nowhere but seems to just be going with the flow.  She’s beautiful (Top 3 also with Selma and perhaps Jackie?) and giggles a lot.  She’s got an edgy nose ring and just wants to make out with Sean.  I love how Sean is worried that Catherine might put her in the “friend zone.” Is that a joke?  The Bachelor is never viewed as merely a friend by anyone.  If a sandwich was the Bachelor, everyone would fall in love with it.  I kind of see a John Smith / Pocahontas vibe going on between Sean and Catherine and think there’s some serious chemistry there that we’re not being made privy to.  I like that she takes Sean away from the other women just to make out with him.

With only one girl to say goodbye to, I’m not surprised it’s Amanda’s farewell turn.  Unfortunately, our last memory of her is in a flapper girl dress, with horrible messy hair and a bruise on her chin.  Poor thing.  Sean claims he wasn’t aware of the girls’ distaste for Amanda or Tierra in his blog.  Now that 50% of this season’s villains are gone, we’re going to need to depend on Tierra to give us some real saucy stuff.

In case you missed it – next week there are TWO NEW BACHELOR EPISODES.  One on Monday and ANOTHER NEW ONE on Tuesday!  Cancel all plans.  No idea why they’re throwing a double Bachelor session at us like that without warning, but there you go.

Kissing Counter from this week:

Lindsay, Tierra, Robyn, Catherine, AshLee and a verbal acknowledgement of wanting to kiss with Selma.  Not a bad week’s work, Sean!

Most Promising:

I think Catherine, Lindsay, Selma and  Tierra are in the lead after this week.

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